Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I used to love you and I wish I still did :-')

I might have not been the best lover for you 'cause I know there's always someone stays on top of your heart even they won't long-last there. But you know how much I have loved you with my whole life, and you know how much I cared and loved you as you know I was always there by your side in every single thing you do even you didn't realize I'm always there for you. When things did not go well for you, I was always there by your side. I was always and forever there to shelter you. I was so patient with you. I offered you food and shelter but most of all I offered you is my unconditional love for you that lies everywhere in my little heart.

When you found your feet again, you slowly broke my heart for several times. You might have done that on purpose 'cause you might think that your action will change my heart towards you, and I may leave you forever after. Yet my love for you never changed! Even thought it had a reason to change but I was patient with you and once again. For what is worth, I’m sorry for loving you. I’m sorry for being there when you needed me most. I’m sorry for being patient with you. I’m sorry for being your bad lover.

And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.

Being beautiful is more than how many boys you can get to look at you, or how much make-up you can wear. It's about what you live for, it's about what defines you, it's about the heart that you have and what makes you special. It's about those little quirks that make you, you. It's about going against the flow and living out what you honestly think. And that is a beautiful thing.

His dark hazel eyes met mine and we didn't look away. For a moment caught in this awkward staring glance like thing and then he did the most amazing thing when he looked away that he smiled. It's the possibility that keeps us going, not the guarantee. My daddy used to tell me that the first time you fall in love it changes your life forever. And no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away.

He had liked you for a short time without you noticing his action on you. Then he just went away and leaves you 'cause he thinks that he's just wasting his time on you, and at the same time you're actually started to love him. Suddenly he became the man whom you loved so much and you can never stop loving him. Do you ever just sit there and wonder why he chose you before? Do you ever stop and think that it was just too good to be true? Does it ever seem like you are afraid to lose him, because without him your whole life will be ruined.

"Failing is the first step to success, crying is the first step to happiness. And heart break is the first step to true love." And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day. I hope something will remind you of me, and you wish you had stayed with me all the time. We can plan for change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you to stop loving me. I'm not even upset, hurt or angry anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort than what I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies. I'm tired of you proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again.

 I think one of the worst feelings in the world, right behind heart break, is that disgustingly empty feeling you get, right after you spill your heart out and lay all your cards on the table. Just right after you gets the courage to say everything
 You have been feeling and are completely and recklessly honest. It's that feeling you get right after you risk everything, and he just walks away 'cause then you realize that you just lost. You've lost everything you didn't even know you had when you said "what do I have to lose?''

 One day when it's way too late you're going to say, "I love you". Then when I don't reply, you're going to muster up everything you have and ask, "Do you love me?" and you know what I'm going to say, "I used to love you, I wish I still did, but you were with all those other girls, and you were way too blind to see what was right in front of you the whole time. I've dropped you hints, and I've tried to make it clear, but you never caught on. So right now I'm going to have to say, we're just friends, like you did to me all those times".

 I can't say "screw him" about the boy that I came the closest to loving. I would still do anything for him even though I know he wouldn't do the same for me. Yes it hurts more than anything, but I can't stop loving him. Believe me, I've tried.

 I might not have you in my life, and I might never have you in it again. I might not be the first thought that comes up to your mind when you wake up, or the last one that leaves your head once you go to sleep, but I will always remember you and I will never forget you and you will always and forever be that one stage in my life where my first true love ever existed. And now I know, if I have kids and that when my kids ask me who my first love was, I'm going to dig for the photo album and show them a picture of you, not their father, not the man before him, no one else but you.

I often wonder why God made me fall in love with you, was it to punish me for something that I did wrong? 'Cause it couldn't be that he thought you seriously did love me?

"I used to love you and I wish I still did"!


Thursday, December 22, 2011

To be honest to each of you, I'll tell the truth then.

It was a perfect confession on facebook, 22nd December 2011. We're finally in a relationship. Ouch did I purposely said 'finally'? Okay it was just a prank dear fellas! It was real hard for me to get into a serious relay or even falling in-love or maybe admiring somebody which I myself not noticing it. Oh that was awesome isn't it? But that was truly me. I promised to never allow my heart to fall in-love with any guy or pretty well any other guy in this moment being. It was a swear, promise and pledge as well to myself, my parents, my siblings and mostly towards my beloved awesome brother, Azriesham. Yeah since I believe that 'Perfect Heaven Match comes from the Mighty Allah', so that was just a simple promise.

And to those people seeing the prank on my relay status on facebook, dear friends, it was just a game. Muhammad Rezulhakim Bin Hamdan is just a close friend to me. And I swear he's the best man, the best friend I've ever met in this big universe. He was so nice, patient, caring, loving with passion. He's willing to help me in whatever mess I'm in. He is able to sacrifice for me, doing anything even it would be so stupid for him, but he'll try his best to help me figure things out like what he just did for me, get into a fake snoob relay.

Oh to a guy called 'A', I'm really sorry for not telling you the whole story with what had happen lately. 'Cause I'm not going to trouble you, not going to disturb you with your life, not going to ask about your status anymore. Hard sorry for not texting you a whole month since I'm not going to search even find you if ever you're not finding me. I know you're just okay over there. Sorry 'cause I'm dreaming of you that day. Oh I mean every single night in my bed. It was just a nonsense nightmare and I might never tell you about that, never worry about that. I'm pretty sure you'll be much much happy without me filling your day. Am I right?

Parents, I'll keep all my promises towards each of you. Thankyou mom for understanding this situation. And dad, you're such the best father in the whole world that one could ever ask for, you're yet so caring, loving. Thankyou for being with me in every thick and thin I went through. To be honest, I love all of you.


Thursday, December 1, 2011

Everytime the actual holiday begins.

No one could turn back to their past but everyone can stay in the past. No one could ever turn back the times or either stop the moving times but everyone can stay with times and move accordingly to times.

So this is what I am actually doing, I mean the same thing, the same feeling and the same expression. Well I never get bored or tired to this habit of mine. I am just a human being. Well I said this shits cause I am just like others, could not stop the times nor turn it back. But I am being tough to move on with times and doing the same shits everyday. Its just me, no one could stop me even my mom cause I know what I am doing and I do it cause I really care for it.

It is 1st of December. Everyone might have been wishing like 'Dear December, please be nice with me' but I am not. What God had written for me, they were really meant for me. I just can't go against the fate. And as I am being fatin in this entity, it is a norm thing for me to fall sick everytime when the actual holiday begins. Hahaha. I've used to this situation, I am in fever. It happens cause I really miss you, miss the time we had spent together, miss every midnight moment when I sacrificed to overnight with you, miss the moment we skype till the very morning, miss your sweet words for me, miss the time you caught me missing you so much, miss those moment you talked to me on the phone, miss the moment when you called me 'sweetheart' and gave the best goodnight wishes every single night and miss the time you caught that I am just showing fake little smile. Well my cousins keep on saying that I was just wasting my time on him. I've never care for it cause for me, 'once involved never turn back' and 'once being stolen let the robber have it forever rather than seek for it again'. I just can't stop myself. I knew that I am being ego to the max but I couldn't fight against my own ego.

"Music is the medicine of the breaking heart. Love is the potion of the lonely heart."


Saturday, November 26, 2011

They make me laughs too much over my own lame jokes.

I'm thankful for the life that God gives me today. I still got the chances to breathe the smooth wooing wind that blow at my cheeks every single second of my life. Praise be to God.

I don't know since I get bored with my blogging-life. I've been fucking lame and so damn lazy to update and post something new on my blog cause I knew my blog is a bit dull. I said a bit am I? Okay I'm so annoying then. It's totally dull. It's black, mysterious and boring. But that's me. I love the way I think cause I think it's my life and my own style on my blog. I love seeing it to be black, dull and bleak. It's me cause I'm the mysterious, weird and madden. Lol I'm going crazy mumbling on my own life. Well I know people won't drop here even reading to my fucking annoying post (hahaha) because they got their own-life. And mine got nothing to do, I mean not even as tiny as a germ related to their so-busy life.

All my life, I've been hating on my own-self and even my life. Did I say I hate my life? Yeah really I hate my life to the max. But last 3 months, I've realize that I my self should be thankful for being fatin as what I am today. I am fucking love my life then. I should know the fact that my life was so amazing since I was born. Well amazing wonderful in my way that anyone could ever have. It happens once I woke up from my bed at 3 in the morning, I just found that I've grown this big and getting older. And the fact that I'm going to sit for my spm next year, yes I really getting older. I mean I'm turning seventeen next year. It's not really next year, it is just in six weeks-time. Hell yeah I'm growing older and I'll have my own-life like what I have now but there are a huge different then. I need to survive on my own, managing my life without my parents at my side.

Today is the final day of the first week of holiday for a student like me. I've used to this situation, I mean like staying at home, lying in my bed, reading boring novel, texting with anybody that I feel to, less eating, less sleeping, staring at my bloody lappy for hours, looking at my ceiling, thinking of the future. I'm actually doing nothing. I know it's dull and so boring to anyone. But not for me. It was so exciting to have my life way that I love to without thinking of anybody for more. Well, I'm sacrificing my life, my holiday, my brain-rest, my sleep, my food. For whom? For sure for the spm candidates this year, my freakish-annoying brother, and my four other cousins. I believe that one good turns deserve another in the future. So this is what I'm doing. I'm sacrificing everything for them and I know they'll do the same thing for me the next year that I'm sitting for spm just like them.

So as each of them is taking pure-science, their last paper was Biology that is on the 30th of November. It means that our so called holiday will start on the 1st of December. Yeah we got the exact one month of holiday. Like in plan, my big family will go for some sort of family-day, just like going to some places and have our holiday activities. Totally I'm not involved in planning it. I'll just follow whatever fuck-up plan and places they've planned for all of us. But if it goes boring, I'll just drop then, staying alone at home or just drop at my cousins' place.

I just awakened from a long long dream. I just realize that I should be thankful for the life that God had given for me. The breathe that is still mine. I need to thank to all the people for making my life awesome miserable which I really love it. I love to live my fucking boring life. First of all, my mommy. She makes me on this earth. She woke me up every single morning and told me that she's very lucky to have me as her daughter in this universe. Well I know the fact that I am the most annoying daughter for her actually cause I used to mumble over everything she condemned on me. I know I've been fucking rude for everyone that judges me but mommy, she was the patient-woman for a mommy that one ever have. The mumble that I used to make is what makes her loves me even more. She said it was so silent at home, it's dull and boring if I'm not around. Yeah mommy once cried the whole week when I go for my scouts-camp in Putrajaya. I didn't call her, even text her. I'm sorry mommy for turning you so clumsy worrying on me. Next, the second person I'd never wanna lose of course my dad. He buys me stuffs, foods, clothes and etc. He makes lame jokes, he calms me down whenever I'm upset, mad and emotional. He's the best father on the earth that one could ever asked for. Third is my two brothers. My eldest, he's the heart of me. He caught me in everything. He teaches me alot, helping me doing my stuff and etc. I just can't imagine how my life would be without him. Now I'm a little bit suffering my life for not having him at my back to support me in everything since last August. He flied to the USA to further studies under JPA's scholarship. Please don't tell him that I really miss him cause I'm scared that he can't focus on his studies if he knows I'm missing him this much. Second brother, he's so thin yet dull for a man. He's sitting for his spm now. I know nothing much about him because we're not a gang. He had his own life and I got mine. We live our own life in the same house. He has his own gang, my little sister, and my little brother. I bet everyone would have been wondering what gang am I talking about. Did I say gang? Yeah we got two different gangs in our heaven-house. First gang was me, my eldest and my youngest. And the other one in second-bro, fourth and fifth. Don't wanna talk much about them. Hahaha I bet everyone would have been wondering cause it's really weird but I love my life style. Last in the list, my superfluous friends. I'm not going to type their name here because there will be a very very very long list of them. In anyway, thanks for living in my life dear annoying friends. I say they're annoying but I lied anyway. Deep inside me, I love them fucking much. I'm just being too ego to admit that hahaha.

My life is fucking dull and boring but I love it ANYWAY.


Friday, November 25, 2011

I love you and I just know how to love the only you with my whole life.

Assalamualaikum everyone. Bonjour fellas!
You're all geniuses, and you're all beautiful. You don't need anyone to tell you who you are. You are what you are. Get out there and get peace, think peace, and live peace and breathe peace, and you'll get it as soon as you like.

All the same without you in it, is empty. The clue to everything a man should love and fear in a girl was there, right from the start, in the ironic smile that primed and swelled the archery of her full lips, there was pride in that smile, and confidence in the set of her fine nose, without understanding why, I knew beyond question that a lot of people would mistake her pride for arrogance, and confuse her confidence with impassivity. I didn't make that mistake. My eyes were lost, swimming, floating free in the shimmering lagoon of her steady, even stare, her eyes were large and spectacularly green. It was the green that trees are, in vivid dreams. It was the green that the sea would be, if the sea were perfect.

Lovers find their way by such insights and confidences. They’re the stars we use to navigate the oceans of desire. And the brightest of those stars are the heartbreaks and sorrows. The most precious gift you can bring to your lover is your suffering. So he took each sadness I confessed to him and pinned it to the sky. In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.

And then I cried a flood of tears as if I really were a mermaid who had absorbed too much sea into herself. The tears spilled like a balm, like a potion, like a charm. In them swam a little girl whose father was dying without ever having seen her. In them swam a girl whose mother’s magic. The only thing the girl envied more than anything else in the world, the thing that had made her invisible, the most precious thing might be dying too. In them swam a darkbrown-haired girl who had never been touched by the boy to whom she was so devoted that she would have lived with him forever in a shack by the sea or a ruined sand castle even if he never made love to her. My tears were for me, but they were also for him. They were to wash away the thing that had frightened him so much so long ago. The wound inside his thigh. My tears poured out of me and he drank them down his throat. He drank them in gulps deep into himself, swallowing sorrow. ‘Someday,’ he said, ‘when we are ready, I will give you back your tears.’

'In my glad hours, I will make a city of your smile, a distant city that shines and lives. I will take one word of yours to be an island on which birches stand, or fir trees, quite still and ceremonial. I will receive your glance as a fountain in which things can disappear and above which the sky trembles, both eager and afraid to fall in. It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because that’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite, to know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.' Sweet word of him!

I should have reply him by saying 'I want to be your only constant in this ever changing universe. Either the sun that awakens the light in your eyes, or the moon that soothes you into slumber at night. Or maybe the rings around Saturn with the way they'd find a way to gently enwrap you. Or the row of constellations you always look for to guide you back home to the place where we both know you've always belonged. And  I've always, still and forever loving you because you're the first and will be the last man in my little tiny heart.'

I love you and I just know how to love the only you with my whole life.


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Since I became the fanatic lover and gooner, considering it as the unique condition under which intelligence, dignity and human happiness can develop and grow!

I am a fanatic lover of Harimau Malaya and a gooner of Liverpool, considering it as the unique condition under which intelligence, dignity and human happiness can develop and grow. Well I myself have forgotten since when did I became a gooner of these teams. It has been years ago just I couldn't remember it. Whatever it is, I'm still always and forever will be a gooner!

20th November 2011, Chelsea versus Liverpool and the result was 1-2. Jyeah luck is for Liverpool. Congrats! Hahaha I'm watching Live on tv, and yeah of course I'm in my Liverpool jersy. It was a bit miserable in me on that night because Steven Gerrard, hero of the stage was not in the game. Ohmyy! Sorrow.

21st November 2011, there's another BIG match that I believe every Malaysian wont miss it. It was Malaysia versus Indonesia. The result of the match is 1 on 1. Ohmyy! After the extra time, the result remains unchanged. Alhamdulillah. So here we got the bright chances for the penalty kick as our national goal-keeper, Khairul Fahmi Che Mat is the best goal-keeper of the Southeast Asia. Thankyou Fahmi, you really save our country for this game. You should know that there are thousands of millions of Malaysian are putting their hopes on your shoulder though we're not in the Gelora Bung Karno Stadium, Jakarta. All the Malaysian are praying for you and the whole Harimau Malaya to bring back the Gold-medal. Man of the match, Baddrol Bahtiar, Asraruddin Putra Omar, NAZMI FAIZ MANSOR and Irfan Fazail. And the lastman goes to AHMAD FAKRI SAARANI hahaha I'm giving him the Private Award! I love you Nazmi and Fakri. Oh in anyway, we shouldn't forget the warriors though they are not playing in the last match, match of the year. We should be proud of them too, WAN ZAHARUL NIZAM and Izzaq Faris Ramlan. Final result after the penalty kick is 5-4. Yeayyyy we won the Gold-medal. In the other hands, we got the title of The Champion of Southeast Asia. Well men, I love all of you. If over Thailand and Indonesia, they have Red Warriors, but for Malaysia, we have our Super Yellow Warriors.

Yesterday at 12 midnight after the match, my parents suggested to go to the Kuala Lumpur Internatioanl Airport KLIA to welcome those football player. Ohmyy! My brother and I were so eager to go there. We had ready in our garments and waited until 12.30am. Suddenly we fall asleep, shittt! We got so tired shouting, cheering, giving support for the Super Yellow Warriors. Regardless! Sad.

I am proud to be a Malaysian, a Gooner and a Fanatic! I love Super Yellow Warriors.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

You can chain, torture even destroy me, but you'll never imprison my mind.

Love is the only game that two can play and both win. But if love is so great then why are hearts broken? Maybe the answer is because without despair and all the bad things in the world, good things can never exists. Because love is like a glass door. Sometimes you don't see it and it smacks you right in the face.

Dear love,
I don't expect that you'll came too me this early. I'm only 16th! And I'm not ready yet facing all the nonsense of love stories. I'm not that mature like other people did. In this stage, I know it’s too earlier to be involved in whatever fuck-up love case. So dear love, you come to the wrong person. And for that reason, please stay away from me. I just love the Best Creator Allah, my parents, siblings, cousins, teachers and friends. There’s no special love for any human-being. I’m not the right person to get involved with love at this moment.

Dear Azriesham,
I want to be the best sister for you. And I need to listen to all your favour. So here’s my promises to you, brother! I’m not going to get involved with love at this particular stage. I know I’m still young and only 16th. And you wanted me to concentrate on my study. Everything I have today is all from our parents, so how can I fall in love with anyone. They’re nothing to me. They can’t bring any goodness to me.

Love has no middle term either it destroys, or it saves. All human destiny is this dilemma. This dilemma, destruction or salvation, no fate proposes more inexorably than love. Love is life, if it is not death. Cradle and coffin, too. The same sentiment says yes and no in the human heart. Of all the things Allah has made, the human heart is the one that sheds most light, and alas! Most night.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and destroy people in a short time without they notice it.


Friday, November 11, 2011

One good turn deserves another

One good turn deserves another, am I right people? Well well well! She returns my favour of calling her on my birthday night. 3HOURS. This evening, Dyla Z the Katy Perry of Dato' Sri Amar Di Raja called me. Oh my, seriously I'm touched okay dear! At first, Dyla was like complaining about her birthday yesterday because maxis didn't gave her the free call for her birthday. Yeah of course I am wondering where the hell she have been missing on her birthday, no call and even a single text for me. But then she ended up making silly jokes. She said like 'Maxis dah gilaa. Today baru dapat freecall, semalam masa birthday takdapat! Sedih jehh aku.' Chill sissy. People make mistakes and so the maxis! At least you are still given the free call even it's late than your real birthday.

God, we're on the phone for almost 2hours. Hm lotsa stories we shared together. I mean she told me everything happen in her school. Yeah about the boys, the classmates, the schoolmates and so on. Before she ended the call, she promised to call me tonight. Well, I'm still waiting for her call to my number. Dyla Z, where are you darl? Please please please call me now! There're lotsa stories I need to share and grumble to you. Oh my, dear please make it faster!

P/S Tears are running outta my eyes, shitt! I really need you Dyla Z. All about YOUR SCHOOLMATE ;-(


Thursday, November 10, 2011

♥ Dear sissy Dyla Zul ♥

Hi fella. Since today is 10th of November 2011, seems like someone is celebrating her 16th birthday. Oh for sure my lovely sissy Dyla Zul. Dearie sister, you're getting older in numbers today but your prettay face make you seems younger than your real age. I've been very far from you so that we couldn't celebrate your birthday together. But it doesn't mean I can't wish you. Here's my lines for you dear friend.

Lovely sister Adilah Zulkefli,
You have been the oldest friend I have ever had. You stood with me every time I snapped. You made my very childhood experience, a memorable one. You are my best friend since all these years. You are the reason, I believe in myself. Thank you for all the awesome times we shared. Thank you for being such a lump of sugar to me, sissy. And no matter how horribly we fight, the truth is that I have always loved you and always will. You are such a sweetheart babe! I just love you too much. I may give you any birthday present you ask for, but it will never to enough compared to the present that you are to me. I love you my dearest sister. Have a rocking birthday. I promise to help you do that. On your birthday, I promise to keep all your secrets, to flood you with gifts and never to miss a chance to make you smile. Happy sixteenth birthday, my dearest sister Dyla Zul ♥

Have a great birthday! We should spend more times together I guess. And we'll enjoy our time with joy and laughter over silly things for sure. I miss the moments we're in the same class, gossiping over the same topics and having fun over jokes we made on our classmates. I really miss that moment and we need to repeat again that nostalgic memorable times. I love you Princess Dyla Zul.

Memories we had together at Pizza Hut, Muar Johor :-*

Tagged on facebook, lalaloveyouuu Dyla Z :)


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Official account :)

Buddies, this is my new account. Wondering where the hell my previous blog have been missing right? Oh well, since my lovely blog-boyf have been taken away by my super brother, so this is my new one. I create a new blog for him and copy paste all the previous post from my blog on his new blog account so that he can continue typing his stories there. Superb brother! Iloveyou. So he can tell whatever fuck up stories he wished to spill out on his new blog. And I have my privacy on this blog too. I wouldn't tell anything on my privacy matters on this account, instead I'll keep it in my own diary which my only 'brother' can read it. Hee I don't know where the shits I need to start posting on this link since I last updated my previous blog 3months ago I think. I leave it all on his shoulder. Thankyouu super brother for taking care of my blog and all your spontaneous wonderful stories and whatever things we had been through. Hope to read more from you on your new blog soon.

Stop confusing everyone who the man could be the best brother of mine, I won't spill his name here because he already knew who am I talking about and yeah for sure it's you my lovely fella. Yeah it's you brother. TIANG AGAMA. A little hint about his name. That is what the beautiful amazing mean his name brings. Stop spilling secrets about him. I don't want others to think it to the deepest who this man was. Just keep it silent okay, dear readers.

Dear brother, I promise to you that we'll never get into fight ANYMORE. Last week was the last time we fight against each other. I'm real tired with all this nonsense we're fighting over. And I promise to you my lovely fella that we'll stays as brother and sister till the very end because I'm seriously loving you for all my soul. I could never get a brother like you, you'll never be replace that's for sure. Be smart, stay cool and I love you brother. Seriously I really love you my lovely amazing brother :)