Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I used to love you and I wish I still did :-')

I might have not been the best lover for you 'cause I know there's always someone stays on top of your heart even they won't long-last there. But you know how much I have loved you with my whole life, and you know how much I cared and loved you as you know I was always there by your side in every single thing you do even you didn't realize I'm always there for you. When things did not go well for you, I was always there by your side. I was always and forever there to shelter you. I was so patient with you. I offered you food and shelter but most of all I offered you is my unconditional love for you that lies everywhere in my little heart.

When you found your feet again, you slowly broke my heart for several times. You might have done that on purpose 'cause you might think that your action will change my heart towards you, and I may leave you forever after. Yet my love for you never changed! Even thought it had a reason to change but I was patient with you and once again. For what is worth, I’m sorry for loving you. I’m sorry for being there when you needed me most. I’m sorry for being patient with you. I’m sorry for being your bad lover.

And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.

Being beautiful is more than how many boys you can get to look at you, or how much make-up you can wear. It's about what you live for, it's about what defines you, it's about the heart that you have and what makes you special. It's about those little quirks that make you, you. It's about going against the flow and living out what you honestly think. And that is a beautiful thing.

His dark hazel eyes met mine and we didn't look away. For a moment caught in this awkward staring glance like thing and then he did the most amazing thing when he looked away that he smiled. It's the possibility that keeps us going, not the guarantee. My daddy used to tell me that the first time you fall in love it changes your life forever. And no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away.

He had liked you for a short time without you noticing his action on you. Then he just went away and leaves you 'cause he thinks that he's just wasting his time on you, and at the same time you're actually started to love him. Suddenly he became the man whom you loved so much and you can never stop loving him. Do you ever just sit there and wonder why he chose you before? Do you ever stop and think that it was just too good to be true? Does it ever seem like you are afraid to lose him, because without him your whole life will be ruined.

"Failing is the first step to success, crying is the first step to happiness. And heart break is the first step to true love." And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day. I hope something will remind you of me, and you wish you had stayed with me all the time. We can plan for change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you to stop loving me. I'm not even upset, hurt or angry anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort than what I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies. I'm tired of you proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again.

 I think one of the worst feelings in the world, right behind heart break, is that disgustingly empty feeling you get, right after you spill your heart out and lay all your cards on the table. Just right after you gets the courage to say everything
 You have been feeling and are completely and recklessly honest. It's that feeling you get right after you risk everything, and he just walks away 'cause then you realize that you just lost. You've lost everything you didn't even know you had when you said "what do I have to lose?''

 One day when it's way too late you're going to say, "I love you". Then when I don't reply, you're going to muster up everything you have and ask, "Do you love me?" and you know what I'm going to say, "I used to love you, I wish I still did, but you were with all those other girls, and you were way too blind to see what was right in front of you the whole time. I've dropped you hints, and I've tried to make it clear, but you never caught on. So right now I'm going to have to say, we're just friends, like you did to me all those times".

 I can't say "screw him" about the boy that I came the closest to loving. I would still do anything for him even though I know he wouldn't do the same for me. Yes it hurts more than anything, but I can't stop loving him. Believe me, I've tried.

 I might not have you in my life, and I might never have you in it again. I might not be the first thought that comes up to your mind when you wake up, or the last one that leaves your head once you go to sleep, but I will always remember you and I will never forget you and you will always and forever be that one stage in my life where my first true love ever existed. And now I know, if I have kids and that when my kids ask me who my first love was, I'm going to dig for the photo album and show them a picture of you, not their father, not the man before him, no one else but you.

I often wonder why God made me fall in love with you, was it to punish me for something that I did wrong? 'Cause it couldn't be that he thought you seriously did love me?

"I used to love you and I wish I still did"!


Thursday, December 22, 2011

To be honest to each of you, I'll tell the truth then.

It was a perfect confession on facebook, 22nd December 2011. We're finally in a relationship. Ouch did I purposely said 'finally'? Okay it was just a prank dear fellas! It was real hard for me to get into a serious relay or even falling in-love or maybe admiring somebody which I myself not noticing it. Oh that was awesome isn't it? But that was truly me. I promised to never allow my heart to fall in-love with any guy or pretty well any other guy in this moment being. It was a swear, promise and pledge as well to myself, my parents, my siblings and mostly towards my beloved awesome brother, Azriesham. Yeah since I believe that 'Perfect Heaven Match comes from the Mighty Allah', so that was just a simple promise.

And to those people seeing the prank on my relay status on facebook, dear friends, it was just a game. Muhammad Rezulhakim Bin Hamdan is just a close friend to me. And I swear he's the best man, the best friend I've ever met in this big universe. He was so nice, patient, caring, loving with passion. He's willing to help me in whatever mess I'm in. He is able to sacrifice for me, doing anything even it would be so stupid for him, but he'll try his best to help me figure things out like what he just did for me, get into a fake snoob relay.

Oh to a guy called 'A', I'm really sorry for not telling you the whole story with what had happen lately. 'Cause I'm not going to trouble you, not going to disturb you with your life, not going to ask about your status anymore. Hard sorry for not texting you a whole month since I'm not going to search even find you if ever you're not finding me. I know you're just okay over there. Sorry 'cause I'm dreaming of you that day. Oh I mean every single night in my bed. It was just a nonsense nightmare and I might never tell you about that, never worry about that. I'm pretty sure you'll be much much happy without me filling your day. Am I right?

Parents, I'll keep all my promises towards each of you. Thankyou mom for understanding this situation. And dad, you're such the best father in the whole world that one could ever ask for, you're yet so caring, loving. Thankyou for being with me in every thick and thin I went through. To be honest, I love all of you.


Thursday, December 1, 2011

Everytime the actual holiday begins.

No one could turn back to their past but everyone can stay in the past. No one could ever turn back the times or either stop the moving times but everyone can stay with times and move accordingly to times.

So this is what I am actually doing, I mean the same thing, the same feeling and the same expression. Well I never get bored or tired to this habit of mine. I am just a human being. Well I said this shits cause I am just like others, could not stop the times nor turn it back. But I am being tough to move on with times and doing the same shits everyday. Its just me, no one could stop me even my mom cause I know what I am doing and I do it cause I really care for it.

It is 1st of December. Everyone might have been wishing like 'Dear December, please be nice with me' but I am not. What God had written for me, they were really meant for me. I just can't go against the fate. And as I am being fatin in this entity, it is a norm thing for me to fall sick everytime when the actual holiday begins. Hahaha. I've used to this situation, I am in fever. It happens cause I really miss you, miss the time we had spent together, miss every midnight moment when I sacrificed to overnight with you, miss the moment we skype till the very morning, miss your sweet words for me, miss the time you caught me missing you so much, miss those moment you talked to me on the phone, miss the moment when you called me 'sweetheart' and gave the best goodnight wishes every single night and miss the time you caught that I am just showing fake little smile. Well my cousins keep on saying that I was just wasting my time on him. I've never care for it cause for me, 'once involved never turn back' and 'once being stolen let the robber have it forever rather than seek for it again'. I just can't stop myself. I knew that I am being ego to the max but I couldn't fight against my own ego.

"Music is the medicine of the breaking heart. Love is the potion of the lonely heart."