The things on the table mess-up when you entered the room.

I wonder why is it so hard for people to hold onto promises they made. Why were promises always broken? What is for some fortune in the after? Or to punish for something that we did wrong in the past? Or to teach us a lesson that failed is the first step towards success.

Human changes. Fate stays. Karma reflects. That is how life flows. We should be tough enough to live the life that we had to enjoy the sorrows of yesterday and laughter of tomorrow.I am so grateful to have Allah's fate on my life. He gives me sickness and shorten my age. Even I won't stay longer, at least I've got instinct to that. I'll be having an operation in 7days time. May luck always with me.

Though it hurts me alot when I got to know about this no-joking news, yeah at least Allah had given all the chances for me. I was being loved by a guy and Allah gives me the opportunity to put some sort of love in my soul for him. Swear that I've never feel the touch of love from outsider before but he was the one and only. I thanked Allah for putting this unconditional love for him even he just loved me for once. But I bet that he will fall in love again with me because of his swear in the name of Allah. I trust that every people making a pledge with Allah's name will surely fulfill it. They won't dare to go against it as they wouldn't want to have a tragic death for breaking it.

Dear MAR, I trust you. I've never left you either waited for you. I just let it be nice with the flow. If ever you turn back to be with me, I believe that you're really meant for me. As if you never change and never want to come back, I just wish you a thousands of happiness and may you life with the blessing of Allah.

Dear MA, I thanked you so much for coming into my life and bring the bright shines to my day. If it happens that we are being together, we will meet again somehow. You mess up the table when you entered the room. You've made me in dilemma either to stay with the one and only or to try very hard on you.

Whatever it is, I still let the only Allah to determine it. I've no power to choose.

DOODLES OF FATIN MAZLAN , XX :)

I used to love you and I wish I still did :-')

I might have not been the best lover for you 'cause I know there's always someone stays on top of your heart even they won't long-last there. But you know how much I have loved you with my whole life, and you know how much I cared and loved you as you know I was always there by your side in every single thing you do even you didn't realize I'm always there for you. When things did not go well for you, I was always there by your side. I was always and forever there to shelter you. I was so patient with you. I offered you food and shelter but most of all I offered you is my unconditional love for you that lies everywhere in my little heart.

When you found your feet again, you slowly broke my heart for several times. You might have done that on purpose 'cause you might think that your action will change my heart towards you, and I may leave you forever after. Yet my love for you never changed! Even thought it had a reason to change but I was patient with you and once again. For what is worth, I’m sorry for loving you. I’m sorry for being there when you needed me most. I’m sorry for being patient with you. I’m sorry for being your bad lover.

And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.

Being beautiful is more than how many boys you can get to look at you, or how much make-up you can wear. It's about what you live for, it's about what defines you, it's about the heart that you have and what makes you special. It's about those little quirks that make you, you. It's about going against the flow and living out what you honestly think. And that is a beautiful thing.

His dark hazel eyes met mine and we didn't look away. For a moment caught in this awkward staring glance like thing and then he did the most amazing thing when he looked away that he smiled. It's the possibility that keeps us going, not the guarantee. My daddy used to tell me that the first time you fall in love it changes your life forever. And no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away.

He had liked you for a short time without you noticing his action on you. Then he just went away and leaves you 'cause he thinks that he's just wasting his time on you, and at the same time you're actually started to love him. Suddenly he became the man whom you loved so much and you can never stop loving him. Do you ever just sit there and wonder why he chose you before? Do you ever stop and think that it was just too good to be true? Does it ever seem like you are afraid to lose him, because without him your whole life will be ruined.

"Failing is the first step to success, crying is the first step to happiness. And heart break is the first step to true love." And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day. I hope something will remind you of me, and you wish you had stayed with me all the time. We can plan for change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you to stop loving me. I'm not even upset, hurt or angry anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort than what I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies. I'm tired of you proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again.

 I think one of the worst feelings in the world, right behind heart break, is that disgustingly empty feeling you get, right after you spill your heart out and lay all your cards on the table. Just right after you gets the courage to say everything

 You have been feeling and are completely and recklessly honest. It's that feeling you get right after you risk everything, and he just walks away 'cause then you realize that you just lost. You've lost everything you didn't even know you had when you said "what do I have to lose?''

 One day when it's way too late you're going to say, "I love you". Then when I don't reply, you're going to muster up everything you have and ask, "Do you love me?" and you know what I'm going to say, "I used to love you, I wish I still did, but you were with all those other girls, and you were way too blind to see what was right in front of you the whole time. I've dropped you hints, and I've tried to make it clear, but you never caught on. So right now I'm going to have to say, we're just friends, like you did to me all those times".

 I can't say "screw him" about the boy that I came the closest to loving. I would still do anything for him even though I know he wouldn't do the same for me. Yes it hurts more than anything, but I can't stop loving him. Believe me, I've tried.

 I might not have you in my life, and I might never have you in it again. I might not be the first thought that comes up to your mind when you wake up, or the last one that leaves your head once you go to sleep, but I will always remember you and I will never forget you and you will always and forever be that one stage in my life where my first true love ever existed. And now I know, if I have kids and that when my kids ask me who my first love was, I'm going to dig for the photo album and show them a picture of you, not their father, not the man before him, no one else but you.

I often wonder why God made me fall in love with you, was it to punish me for something that I did wrong? 'Cause it couldn't be that he thought you seriously did love me?

"I used to love you and I wish I still did"!

DOODLES OF FATIN MAZLAN , XX :)

To be honest to each of you, I'll tell the truth then.

It was a perfect confession on facebook, 22nd December 2011. We're finally in a relationship. Ouch did I purposely said 'finally'? Okay it was just a prank dear fellas! It was real hard for me to get into a serious relay or even falling in-love or maybe admiring somebody which I myself not noticing it. Oh that was awesome isn't it? But that was truly me. I promised to never allow my heart to fall in-love with any guy or pretty well any other guy in this moment being. It was a swear, promise and pledge as well to myself, my parents, my siblings and mostly towards my beloved awesome brother, Azriesham. Yeah since I believe that 'Perfect Heaven Match comes from the Mighty Allah', so that was just a simple promise.

And to those people seeing the prank on my relay status on facebook, dear friends, it was just a game. Muhammad Rezulhakim Bin Hamdan is just a close friend to me. And I swear he's the best man, the best friend I've ever met in this big universe. He was so nice, patient, caring, loving with passion. He's willing to help me in whatever mess I'm in. He is able to sacrifice for me, doing anything even it would be so stupid for him, but he'll try his best to help me figure things out like what he just did for me, get into a fake snoob relay.

Oh to a guy called 'A', I'm really sorry for not telling you the whole story with what had happen lately. 'Cause I'm not going to trouble you, not going to disturb you with your life, not going to ask about your status anymore. Hard sorry for not texting you a whole month since I'm not going to search even find you if ever you're not finding me. I know you're just okay over there. Sorry 'cause I'm dreaming of you that day. Oh I mean every single night in my bed. It was just a nonsense nightmare and I might never tell you about that, never worry about that. I'm pretty sure you'll be much much happy without me filling your day. Am I right?

Parents, I'll keep all my promises towards each of you. Thankyou mom for understanding this situation. And dad, you're such the best father in the whole world that one could ever ask for, you're yet so caring, loving. Thankyou for being with me in every thick and thin I went through. To be honest, I love all of you.

DOODLES OF FATIN MAZLAN , XX :)

Everytime the actual holiday begins.

No one could turn back to their past but everyone can stay in the past. No one could ever turn back the times or either stop the moving times but everyone can stay with times and move accordingly to times.

So this is what I am actually doing, I mean the same thing, the same feeling and the same expression. Well I never get bored or tired to this habit of mine. I am just a human being. Well I said this shits cause I am just like others, could not stop the times nor turn it back. But I am being tough to move on with times and doing the same shits everyday. Its just me, no one could stop me even my mom cause I know what I am doing and I do it cause I really care for it.

It is 1st of December. Everyone might have been wishing like 'Dear December, please be nice with me' but I am not. What God had written for me, they were really meant for me. I just can't go against the fate. And as I am being fatin in this entity, it is a norm thing for me to fall sick everytime when the actual holiday begins. Hahaha. I've used to this situation, I am in fever. It happens cause I really miss you, miss the time we had spent together, miss every midnight moment when I sacrificed to overnight with you, miss the moment we skype till the very morning, miss your sweet words for me, miss the time you caught me missing you so much, miss those moment you talked to me on the phone, miss the moment when you called me 'sweetheart' and gave the best goodnight wishes every single night and miss the time you caught that I am just showing fake little smile. Well my cousins keep on saying that I was just wasting my time on him. I've never care for it cause for me, 'once involved never turn back' and 'once being stolen let the robber have it forever rather than seek for it again'. I just can't stop myself. I knew that I am being ego to the max but I couldn't fight against my own ego.



"Music is the medicine of the breaking heart. Love is the potion of the lonely heart."

DOODLES OF FATIN MAZLAN , XX :)

They make me laughs too much over my own lame jokes.

I'm thankful for the life that God gives me today. I still got the chances to breathe the smooth wooing wind that blow at my cheeks every single second of my life. Praise be to God.

I don't know since I get bored with my blogging-life. I've been fucking lame and so damn lazy to update and post something new on my blog cause I knew my blog is a bit dull. I said a bit am I? Okay I'm so annoying then. It's totally dull. It's black, mysterious and boring. But that's me. I love the way I think cause I think it's my life and my own style on my blog. I love seeing it to be black, dull and bleak. It's me cause I'm the mysterious, weird and madden. Lol I'm going crazy mumbling on my own life. Well I know people won't drop here even reading to my fucking annoying post (hahaha) because they got their own-life. And mine got nothing to do, I mean not even as tiny as a germ related to their so-busy life.

All my life, I've been hating on my own-self and even my life. Did I say I hate my life? Yeah really I hate my life to the max. But last 3 months, I've realize that I my self should be thankful for being fatin as what I am today. I am fucking love my life then. I should know the fact that my life was so amazing since I was born. Well amazing wonderful in my way that anyone could ever have. It happens once I woke up from my bed at 3 in the morning, I just found that I've grown this big and getting older. And the fact that I'm going to sit for my spm next year, yes I really getting older. I mean I'm turning seventeen next year. It's not really next year, it is just in six weeks-time. Hell yeah I'm growing older and I'll have my own-life like what I have now but there are a huge different then. I need to survive on my own, managing my life without my parents at my side.

Today is the final day of the first week of holiday for a student like me. I've used to this situation, I mean like staying at home, lying in my bed, reading boring novel, texting with anybody that I feel to, less eating, less sleeping, staring at my bloody lappy for hours, looking at my ceiling, thinking of the future. I'm actually doing nothing. I know it's dull and so boring to anyone. But not for me. It was so exciting to have my life way that I love to without thinking of anybody for more. Well, I'm sacrificing my life, my holiday, my brain-rest, my sleep, my food. For whom? For sure for the spm candidates this year, my freakish-annoying brother, and my four other cousins. I believe that one good turns deserve another in the future. So this is what I'm doing. I'm sacrificing everything for them and I know they'll do the same thing for me the next year that I'm sitting for spm just like them.

So as each of them is taking pure-science, their last paper was Biology that is on the 30th of November. It means that our so called holiday will start on the 1st of December. Yeah we got the exact one month of holiday. Like in plan, my big family will go for some sort of family-day, just like going to some places and have our holiday activities. Totally I'm not involved in planning it. I'll just follow whatever fuck-up plan and places they've planned for all of us. But if it goes boring, I'll just drop then, staying alone at home or just drop at my cousins' place.

I just awakened from a long long dream. I just realize that I should be thankful for the life that God had given for me. The breathe that is still mine. I need to thank to all the people for making my life awesome miserable which I really love it. I love to live my fucking boring life. First of all, my mommy. She makes me on this earth. She woke me up every single morning and told me that she's very lucky to have me as her daughter in this universe. Well I know the fact that I am the most annoying daughter for her actually cause I used to mumble over everything she condemned on me. I know I've been fucking rude for everyone that judges me but mommy, she was the patient-woman for a mommy that one ever have. The mumble that I used to make is what makes her loves me even more. She said it was so silent at home, it's dull and boring if I'm not around. Yeah mommy once cried the whole week when I go for my scouts-camp in Putrajaya. I didn't call her, even text her. I'm sorry mommy for turning you so clumsy worrying on me. Next, the second person I'd never wanna lose of course my dad. He buys me stuffs, foods, clothes and etc. He makes lame jokes, he calms me down whenever I'm upset, mad and emotional. He's the best father on the earth that one could ever asked for. Third is my two brothers. My eldest, he's the heart of me. He caught me in everything. He teaches me alot, helping me doing my stuff and etc. I just can't imagine how my life would be without him. Now I'm a little bit suffering my life for not having him at my back to support me in everything since last August. He flied to the USA to further studies under JPA's scholarship. Please don't tell him that I really miss him cause I'm scared that he can't focus on his studies if he knows I'm missing him this much. Second brother, he's so thin yet dull for a man. He's sitting for his spm now. I know nothing much about him because we're not a gang. He had his own life and I got mine. We live our own life in the same house. He has his own gang, my little sister, and my little brother. I bet everyone would have been wondering what gang am I talking about. Did I say gang? Yeah we got two different gangs in our heaven-house. First gang was me, my eldest and my youngest. And the other one in second-bro, fourth and fifth. Don't wanna talk much about them. Hahaha I bet everyone would have been wondering cause it's really weird but I love my life style. Last in the list, my superfluous friends. I'm not going to type their name here because there will be a very very very long list of them. In anyway, thanks for living in my life dear annoying friends. I say they're annoying but I lied anyway. Deep inside me, I love them fucking much. I'm just being too ego to admit that hahaha.

My life is fucking dull and boring but I love it ANYWAY.

DOODLES OF FATIN MAZLAN , XX :)